With every new year comes a desire for introspection and change. Many of us do some self questioning and soul searching. Maybe since it was not just a new year but a new decade, I became hyper aware of the need to undergo a reassessment of my personhood.
The final week of every year my husband compiles a list of his favorite experiences over the last 12 months and narrows it down to a top 20. To name a few, he hosted a missions conference at Long Hollow Baptist Church in Tennessee. He went on a mystery trip with 3 other men to Azerbaijan. He moved our family to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. And his smashing number one was our family road trip to South Dakota last summer to see Mount Rushmore.
Every time he does this I get inspired to create my own list. This year, though, I not only compiled from the past year, but from the last decade. The day I became a mother and held my firstborn in my arms. The first youth ministry my husband and I ever started in Whitecastle, Louisiana. Walking off a plane in Bandung, Indonesia with three little boys and 10 pieces of luggage for 11 months of language school. Living in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, a city of 8 million plus. Birthing a baby overseas and finding out it was girl. Making close friends in almost every place we lived.
I consider my list as diamonds in the rough because with every wonderful thing I experienced came hardships and heartaches. All of it shaping and forming who I was then and who I am now. So much change over short periods of time have affected my personhood for the good but also for the bad. Coming into year 2020 jolted me into an awareness of the flaws and faults I picked up along the way.
So not only did I make a list of memories but of the oversighted weaknesses I could identify. Time management. Being present and intentional with my children. Being productive and disciplined. Planning. And the list goes on.
One of the flaws I picked up in just the last 6 months was loafing. I found myself in a rut and at place where I just wasn’t doing anything very productive. I love my children well. Very well. They hear it, the feel it, they know it. But I lacked motivation to be present with them. I looked for any opportunity to be in my own mental space, frivolling on social media, reading my own book, FaceTiming my people, watching my own movie, and on and on. I found myself giving into their requests for more iPad and tv time because it meant I just bought another couple of hours to myself.
I do know self care is important, taking you time for the sake of your sanity, wellness, and mental health. I need it, you need it, everyone needs it. But I took advantage of the good cause and allowed a negative effect. I found myself dodging opportunities to spend time with my kids, and was only committed to the musts. I must make them food eat. I must homeschool. I must clean house. I must do laundry. I completed whatever I must. I protected the rest of my time for myself and I got easily aggravated when my children encroached on it.
A normal bedtime routine for a 3 year old girl consists of bathing, brushing teeth, brushing hair, putting on jammies, reading a book, drinking milk, and kisses goodnight. All of which includes mom. My daughter is still young enough to cry for me to help her with every single step. It takes roughly a good 45 mins to complete this entire cycle with her.
One particular night we were in the middle of the routine. I was on my knees lathering my daughter’s toothbrush with pink, bubble gum flavored paste. As soon as I finished she quickly grabbed it out of my hands and tried to skip away. But sure enough she tripped and I had the misfortune of her toothbrush sweeping right across my hair as she fell. I immediately located, by touch and smell, a large blob of pink goo to the left of my face. Both our eyes filled with tears, hers from pain, mine from frustration. I went to the sink and tried to wash it out. Did you know bubblegum toothpaste congeals and takes on a similar form to actual bubble gum? I began picking it out as best I could in tiny pieces. Such a silly thing to be so frustrated over toothpaste in my hair, but I had just washed and straightened my hair that morning and it was supposed to last me a good 4-5 days before I did it again. Sigh. Vanity of vanities. The little hiccup that night in an already time consuming routine left me spent. And my hair still smelled of bubblegum the next morning. I tapped out the rest of the night. My boys were old enough to put themselves to bed. Praise.
What a glorious God we have who not only loves us right where we’re at, good, bad, and ugly, but fights for us when we’re not fighting for ourselves. When all our energy is spent and we feel emptied of any joy and charity, it is in that very moment that
“The Lord your God is in y[our] midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
This has become the anthem of my soul as I continue to reflect on who and whose I am this new year. May the new decade bring new mercies as we open heart and hands to more diamonds in the rough, God’s grace upon grace.
It's just Me Abby 